Strong At The Heart

This weekend I’ll be headed for Davis, California, to receive the Friend of the Child Award from young child abuse advocates.

The Courageous Kids’ Network is a group of young adults who speak out about their experiences being placed with abusive parents by family courts. Now that they are out of abuseve homes, they are speaking out to help other kids. I’ve heard a lot about them but this will be my first chance to meet them in person.

The conference is the 14th Annual Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Conference put on by the California Protective Parents Association.

Jessica Hendry, who played Dejar in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine will speak at the conference about her memoir How Yo Cook Your Daughter, and what it was like when she confronted the famous father who abused her.

more news

Later this month, on April 24, I’ll be speaking at the Downstate Conference on Child Abuse in Southern Illinois.

I’ll present a plenary session on STRONG AT THE HEART and lead a workshop in Overcoming the Stigma of Abuse.

Today I’ve been working on my presentation for the Healthy Teen Network Conference in Anaheim on Thursday. But now that I’ve figured out how to get download photos onto this computer from my camera, I wanted to get up the pictures from the Instituto and CLA.

Then, as I was working, I got an e-mail from Liz Bohm, one of the organizers of the event at Instituto Familiar de la Raza in San Francisco’s Mission District. Her description is so evocative. I’ll quote from it in italics below:

These two marvelous women are the executive director of the Instituto, Dr. Estela Garcia, and the founder, Dr. Concha Saucedo. They opened the event with a greeting and with smudging and a Nhuatl prayer to create a sacred space for the proceedings.

“…a beautiful altar ran the length of one whole wall, still up from Dia de los Muertos, with candles, vases full of marigolds, painted skulls, pictures and mementoes of loved ones… As people entered the room they shared good local food, homemade cookies and hot tea… The atmosphere was safe, positive, hopeful, respectful and energetic, and it was created by the healing wisdom of the elders, the brave sharing of the survivors, and the dedication of the organizers, staff and volunteers.”

We really didn’t plan to wear the same outfits! These grinning people are the speakers: me, Arturo Carillo, and Rev Trinity Ordona.

“In sync with the title of the book by Carolyn Lehman, Strong at the Heart: How It Feels to Heal from Sexual Abuse, the emphasis was on how people have come through, have healed and are creating healing for themselves and their families, and are moving on. Carolyn, herself a survivor, talked about her experience of writing these stories of real people, whose personalities, talents and voices came through loud and clear. One interviewee, Arturo, was a guest at the event…

“Watching Arturo stand up and claim his experiences as ‘an important story that needed to be told,’ and then receive respectful, loving affirmation from a male peer made me not only hopeful, but grateful to see and feel the real change happening that will positively affect the root causes of violence…There is more awareness and less silence every day.

“The drumming at the end wove it all together…For me, it felt like we were creating a living rhythm with our hands and voices, where liberation and healing took on new form and vibrated through the room. Release of the old, welcoming the new, acknowledging the pain, joy, connection, our strong heartbeat togeher. Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. After the event I felt happy, calm and connected and was deeply appreciating the openness and awareness of the people in this city, this community that make an event like this possible…

“I’ve been to other events focused on healing from sexual abuse, but never one where both men and women have come together. It felt so natural, balanced and rich because of this shared experience. It feels like the ‘blind spots’ Carolyn talked about that we have when it comes to rape and sexual violence are getting smaller, and as we come together with all of our eyes, our vision expands, our dialog grows, our voices can get stronger in the presence of each other.”

If I tried to identify everyone in this picture, I’d be sure to get someone’s name wrong. So I will just say that in addition to the people ID-ed above, the others in this photo include Dr. Sal Nunez (the tall guy in the back–he lead the healing drumming), Jennifer Biehn, Sarah Armstrong, Liz Bohm, Brian Lum, Joan Lohman, Paula, and Mario Marquez. Others are from Trinity’s class at City College of San Francisco; they volunteered in many ways including tabling and book sales. Auden Rodriguez, who handled the tech stuff for the night, had to leave before this photo was taken.

cla

And now that I’m on a roll with photos, here’s one of the poster session from the California Library Association conference this weekend. There were ten display tables set up in the Exhibition Hall on Sunday. I was so busy talking with visitors at my own that I never got to see the others.

That’s my friend Joan Berman from Humboldt State University, checking things out just before the poster session started. She helped me set up the display, brought me water (it’s nonstop talking once the session starts) and generally cheered me on as more and more people came to talk with me about the books I’d brought, Strong at the Heart, sexual abuse issues, and collection development. I met some wonderful librarians, authors, and educators and gave out a lot of packets of information on healing books for teens.

Finally, Internet access. Just because a hotel is pricey doesn’t mean the wireless connection is free–or reliable.

I’m at the California Library Association Conference in Sacramento, part of a mini book tour.

Tomorrow morning I’ll be attending the Beatty Award breakfast thanks to my friend Joan Berman who gave me her ticket this afternoon. The Beatty Award “honors the author of a distinguished book for children or young adults that best promotes an awareness of California and its people.” This year’s winner is The Ballooon Boy, by Dorothy Kupcha Leland, a novel based on a true story about a 14 year old boy on a runaway balloon.

Afterwards I’ll set up a poster session on Sexual Abuse in Young Adult Literature. I’m looking forward to talking with librarians about the books they select in this subject area. And I’ve prepared a lot of handouts: a fact sheet on sexual abuse, a bibliography of recommended fiction and nonfiction, a copy of my article on the subject from School Library Journal, and Questions to Ask–both in evaluating books on the subject and in collection development. Whew!

I have no idea who will show up–if anyone–or what their interests will be.

instituto

The event in San Francisco’s Mission District on Thursday night was an amazing experience. I’ll write about it again when I can post the pictures (after I get home) because tonight I am just too tired to do more than a quick post and go to bed.

For now, I just have to say that the people at the Instituto Familar de la Raza planned this event incredibly well. Every detail was taken care of from feeding people beforehand (a fantastic Mexican dinner) and creating a safe and sacred space for people to speak about abuse in their lives, to a magical ending of nearly a hundred people drumming and singing together. Unbelievable.

Today I am prepping for two events coming up, one at Instituto Familiar de la Raza in San Francisco’s Mission District and the other one in Sacramento–the California Library Association’s annual convention.

The event at the Instituto is really something special. It’s billed at a celebration of women and men healing from sexual abuse and the organizers have done a fantastic job.

The evening starts at 5 p.m. with a buffet dinner. At six, the program begins with Mezzo American drumming and smudging to create a sacred space and safety for the participants. I’ll show photographs, of course, and talk about healing within a cultural context as described in Strong at the Heart. I’ll also share what I learned by listening to other survivors and hearing how they defined healing.

a man’s story

Then–and this is what everyone is especially excited about–Arturo from the book will speak. He is a very respected person in the community and his story will be especially meaningful because it takes place right there, in the Mission. Arturo still works for Walden House and he is also well known musician and community leader.

When he is done, there will be a healing drumming circle. And after that a book signing.

It’s an RSVP event and the organizers say they are already over the 80 people they planned for but they are trying to make room for a few more. The phone number there is 415-229-0500.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

BTW, the event is sponsored by Healing for a Change, San Francisco City College (CCSF), Instituto Familiar de la Raza, CCSF Concert and Lecture Series, CCSF Office of Mentoring and Service Learning, Project Survive, and the Women’s Studies, Business, Health Education and Community Health Studies, and Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Studies departments at CCSF!

It’s good to know that all these great organizations are behind an event like this.

sacramento

And then, on Sunday, I’ll be at the California Library Association.

This is my first ever poster session. This year I’ve given workshops to a wide range of audiences and key note speeches at events from child abuse conferences to take Back the Night. Now, I have to figure out how to say these subtle and layered things with a poster and handouts!

The best part in my mind right now is that this is forcing me to put together a packet of information that librarians and other book people can take with them and absorb. We’ll see how it goes.

There’s a cool thing coming up. On Tuesday, May 2nd, at 9 a.m. PST, Jessie Dylan will interview me about Strong at the Heart on his show, The Good Life. You can hear it on Sirius Satellite Radio 114 or listen on the Internet. Canadians can listen on sevral station across the country.

For a week following, it will be archived online.

Here’s a little taste of what I saw in Boston last week. Pretty amazing, isn’t it, when spring does hit?

photo by Rick Birkenshaw

This image is pulled from a postcard, but it really did look just like this with magnolias blooming like crazy and the tender green of new growth everywhere.

We finally had a sunny day here. Peter and I rode bikes inland and halfway up Korbel Hill. I’m working back into it.

Yesterday I flew in–and out–of Redding, California to give the keynote address at a Take Back the Day/Take Back the Night event. It was a day of contrasts that began when I flew from the fog bound coast (highs in the 50’s) to Redding where the high was 91 degrees and sunny. My sun starved skin soaked up the vitamin D along the American River which was roaring.

The event was held at the absolutely gorgeous Redding City Hall. Outside there were balloons and booths, toys for kids, food, music, dancing and a holiday spirit. Yet the event purpose of the event was to address violent crime and abuse in the greater Redding community.

There was quite a turnout and a lot of information at the booths. It was good to see all the resources there, and the networking that was being done. At the Women’s Refuge booth I picked up this button:

Rebecca Tumlinson had told me that they were observing Jeans for Justice Day, so I had on my presenter suit from the waist up and instead of dressy pants, wore my somewhat holey jeans and clogs. This button was the perfect accessory.

jeans for justice

Anti-rape groups hold Jeans for Justice Day (usually April 27) where people wear denim to show solidarity for rape victim/survivors world wide. It began in 1999 when the Italian High Court overturned a rape conviction because the victim was wearing jeans at the time of the attack.

The ruling contained these words, “It is common knowledge … that jeans cannot even be partly removed without the effective help of the person wearing them … and it is impossible if the victim is struggling with all her might.”

In outrage, Europeans took to the streets wearing jeans (and carrying signs) to express their solidarity with the rape survivor in the case. I wondered if those who planned this event worldwide realize that–at least here in the U. S.–two thirds of the vicitms of reported rapes are under 18 years old and half of those under twelve. We’ve framed rape as a crime against women, but it is predominantly a crime against kids.

It was a hot day in Redding, but a lot of people wore jeans.

evening event

Leila Nankervis of Barnes and Noble had set up an extensive display on Strong at the Heart and there was a moving ceremony, dedicating a quiet part of the grounds as a Survivor’s Garden to commemorate victims of violence.

Then we went into the city council chambers for a short program. Preceding me were four victim witnesses who talked about the impact of crime on their families. I was to talk for a lot longer on healing. But you know how it goes. One woman spoke so eloquently about the pain of losing her oldest daughter to a drunk driver, her younger daughter read a school paper she’d written about her sister’s death, another woman told her story about how difficult it was to extricate herself from a violent relationship, and a fourth described how she had tried to protect herself from rape, but coudn’t, and how that had led her to work as a survivor advocate.

There was so much grief in the room. Standing up to the podium to speak on healing, I thought how puny any words I could say were compared to a mother’s grief. I spoke, though, and showed pictures, focusing on the ways that Jonathan and Sheena had moved through the devastating time after being abused and how they reclaimed their lives. Jenner’s story I told, in part, because it so clearly shows how events like Take Back the Night can help survivors heal. I framed the remarks in terms of the role of community in healing because I saw that happening right in front of me, through this event, through the cooperation of so many people, and through the Survivor’s Garden.

A candlelight march followed.

Thanks to Angela Fitzgerald, Rebecca Tumlinson, and Jennifer Hardy of Shasta County Victim Witness for bringing me out and to Victim Witness, the Women’s Refuge, and the Domestic Violence Coordinating Council for putting on such a moving event.

Well, this is cool. I have an email from FSG, my publisher, that Strong at the Heart was chosen as a Skipping Stone Honor Book. Every year this multicultural children’s magazine choses roughly ten books to honor and Strong at the Heart is one of them this year. The links aren’t up yet, and I don’t have more information, but when I do I’ll post it here.

Yesterday’s event in Cambridge went so well despite the PowerPoint projector not showing up. A diverse audience came and after the presentation/discussion most of the audience stayed on for an open and engaging conversation that continued for another two hours. Discussion ranged from how race and class play into survivor experience to the corrosive effects of the pressure to “forgive.” There was humor, insight, disclosure, and a warm respect in the room. And something else, too, a sense of the strength and cohesion. This was despite the wide range of our experiences and viewpoints or maybe because of that and because people took risks to ask tough questions and to answer with candor.

There’s something very powerful that happens when we get together face-to-face.

One woman, at the very threshold of healing, rocked us with her humor and her strength. Mike Lew, author of two excellent books for men on healing from sexual abuse, deepened the conversation with insights from his many years in the field. (If you don’t know his books, check them out in the self-help section of my recommended books page or on his website. Titles: Victims No Longer, Leaping upon the Mountains.)

All in all a good event and a wonderful way to end the Boston Tour. Afterwards I had the pleasure of dinner with Annemarie Munn and today I’m staying with my dear friends in Framingham. Home soon.

The Harvard Take Back the Night Committee–as personified by Mallory Hellman–asked me to speak on survivor activism and my book. The event happened last night and it was great.

We met in the Kirkland Junior Commons Room, a very Harvard venue with tall paneled walls, mullioned windows, wing backed chairs set in conversational clusters, and august portraits on the walls. A friend of my son Ben met me there early and helped with the set up chairs, screen and projector. (Thanks, Dev!)

There was so much to say about the survivor movement, its birth in feminism, its glory days of conferences and newsletters like The Healing Woman, the time of contraction in the mid-1990’s, and the amazing work that people are carrying out now in a spirit that is broader and more inclusive. What it takes to do this work. Its rewards.

I had to tell it through the lens of my own experience, and for the first time I put that together as a coherent narrative. When I did (although I didn’t present all of this) it was an amazing parade of people and events spanning, for me, okay a life time, but as an activist the past two decades.

Much of what I did talk about was making the socially invisible visible and what it is like to do that work.

Some amazing people came–passionate, articulate, inquisitive. There were excellent questions, many of them around offenders. Who are they? How can we raise people differently? What can we do to help people change? When do you treat and when do you lock up someone up and throw away the key. These are critical questions and we don’t yet have definative answers. I could point to the work of Stop It Now!, offender treatment programs, and some studies. But so much work is yet to be done.

It was a good evening, satisfying, full. There’s always more I wish I’d said, the question I could have listened to more deeply…

This morning dawned bright and sunny and so warm. Real spring, I’d almost forgotten about shirt sleeve weather. In Northwestern California we’ve had cold rain for way too long. But here in Boston the locust trees are in bloom, the tulip trees are pink flames against the red brick buildings and gray slate roofs. I went out and bought myself a tee shirt and wore a skirt, just to feel the soft air.

Last night I arrived from California, after three flights, lugging the world’s heaviest carry-ons (ten copies of Strong at the Heart, just in case).

You should see the absolutely amazing place Mallory Hellman, of the Take Back the Night committee, found for me to stay. The Preacher’s Suite is at the top of Lowell House, a quintessential Harvard building of red brick with white trim and slate roof. Tucked up under the eaves is this eight bedroom suite. It’s crazy with doors and passageways and interconnecting rooms. I’ve claimed a bedroom with windows on two sides connected to a study with desk, Chinese lamp, wing backed chair and ottoman. A nice little set up.

It’s fascinating, in a place this old, to think about who lived here in the past, who stayed like me for a short while. I pick up these echoes. You just can’t help it.

After a morning at the computer doing business, I’m off to explore the Harvard Square area, find some groceries, and meet Annemarie Munn for lunch.

Tomorrow night is the book event here. I’ll be speaking on the survivor movement, and Strong at the Heart in that context. Harvard University, Kirkland Junior Commons Room, 6-8 p.m. Come on by, if you’re in the Boston area.

The live chat at Connect for Kids came off without a hitch. What a rush! People’s questions popped up on my computer screen, I keyed in answers as quickly as possible and sent them off.

The readership was great. Folks from all over the U. S. logged on and asked great questions. I got to most of them before the hour was up. You can read the transcript for yourself.

For the second time in less than a week and in a public forum somone raised the question of divided loyalites in sibling sexual abuse situations. This is such a tough issue and one I wish I could have covered in the book. I did do a dynamite interview with a young woman whose two older step brothers abused her, but for legal reasons I could not print her story. There’s so much more that needs to be done in this area. And we can have that discussion here. I can recommend Sasian as a resource and Carolyn Coman’s Bee and Jacky as a novel that explores some of the emotional territory.

If you have any doubts about the importance of putting a public face on healing from abuse, do check out the comment at the bottom of the Black Oak post below. A mother wrote in after the event with a very moving personal story of the impact of that night.

Pictures of the California events are coming, I promise. But today is my niece’s birthday (observed) and we are going to spend the day on a photo shoot.