when a parent was sexually abused as a child
December 30, 2010
On the young feminist blog fbomb there’s an article that examines the developing awareness of a young woman whose mother was a survivor of sexual abuse.The blog post includes an essay that the author wrote three years ago, when she was 17.
Liz P talks about her feelings of isolation and the effect that knowing her mother was abused had on her own childhood. Many of the same feelings of isolation and “this doesn’t happen to normal people” that survivors of abuse experience, resonated in her own, second generation experience.
She looks at, among other influences, the role of a children’s book, Promise Not to Tell, that I wrote years ago. It was given to her to let her know “how something like that can possibly happen.”
Liz’ post raises a little-discussed consideration. When a parent has been abused as a child, and I’m thinking here of those of us who have done significant healing, what is the impact on his or her own children?
A lot has been written on the generational impact of the Holocaust, how the secondary trauma–and the secondary resiliency–gets expressed in the second and third generations. And the meme of “abusers were once abused themselves” is everywhere (not so frequently cited is that the great majority of child abuse survivors do NOT go on to abuse children).
But what about the secondary trauma of having a parent with PTSD or other post traumatic issues? What about, as Liz points out, the disruption of normal, and expected, family relations? What other ways are the lives of daughters and sons affected–for worse and for better?
I think this whole consideration is under explored. We know how prevalent child sexual abuse is. We know that it has profound consequences for those who experience it. A lot of work has been done on how people heal. But the secondary trauma/adaptation issues are playing themselves out without much notice–yet.
Karen P said,
April 24, 2011 @ 4:30 am
Imagine my surprise to see my life discussed on a feminist blog! And while I know the sad truth is that the life belongs to far too many women, you were commenting here on my daughter’s blog post. I just want to thank you for your work. Your book “Promise Not to Tell” gave me the words to talk to my daughter, that I didn’t have. It is difficult for young people in today’s world to imagine that the words didn’t exist– that part of the not telling was that we didn’t know what to say. Part of my path has included serving as a guardian ad litem for children removed from their homes. My first case involved a young teen who had been removed from her home after her brother had sexually abused her. Her parents initially blamed HER for ruining her brother’s life. It was really hard for her to put things into words, but that was the thing I understood the best. It’s just not a tool box that we’re given.
I struggled with whether to tell my daughters. And like all stories, she’s heard what I chose to tell, what I could tell. Knowing that her original essay was her college admissions essay certainly drove home that generational impact idea. Massachusetts’ Senator Steve Brown recently wrote a book about his life and included the revelation of sexual abuse, and the mentions on the talk shows about how he doesn’t feel it’s a problem for him now has driven me crazy. He had such an opportunity to advocate for speaking out, but in his mind, he apparantly believes that he has come through the other side of that valley. Such a missed opportunity to help so many people, young and old. Anyway, keep doing what you’re doing. You made a difference in my life for which I am very grateful.
Theresa said,
February 22, 2013 @ 1:28 pm
I’m curious if you have found anymore resources on the effects that parents who have survived abuse have on their children? I have found almost nothing on this topic, and it is one that I would like to research further.