what came of Black Oak
April 8, 2006
Dear Readers–There’s a quiet little discussion going on in the comment section of the Black Oak blog entry from earlier this week. The latest entry is intriguing, but easily buried, so I want to post it here as well.
What happened is this. A mother and daughter came to the book event at Black Oak Books where I presented Jonathan and Sheena’s stories and what I learned in the process of writing the book, followed by a dynamite discussion with Akaya (cover girl), her support group and the audience.
On the way home, the teen told her mother that she’d been raped several years earlier, when she was twelve. The mom posted this experience on the blog. She wants readers to know that the book has an impact and that it opened communication between her and her daughter.
Now a therapist is commenting. She asked me to post her e-mail on the blog so I am putting it here:
Hi Carolyn,
That is a very moving letter with some important information. It always amazes me how the developmental issues that go with adolescence make it almost impossible for teens to see their parents as parents see themselves.
When I first read that her mother had been abused I assumed the daughter was sparing her mother’s feelings. Instead she assumed that her mother would feel about her the way she (the girl) felt about herself.
Some people theorize that survivors blame themselves as a means of gaining some control. It’s an interesting thought, but I don’t think it’s entirely true.
People’s reactions to the book intrigue me and there is a lot to learn from them. I’m not surprised the daughter said nothing about her being raped to her therapist. Kids hint and wait for you to speak the unspeakable. Their shame keeps them silent. Once you, as the therapist, say it, then it is out of hiding. Too many mental health practitioners think they will be “pushing†if they bring it up. I don’t think that is true unless they bring it up before a relationship has been established. I recall one mother who was having a terrible time with her 3 yr old boy. She couldn’t set limits on him at all and he was a tyrant. She was overwhelmed by him. She seemed actually scared of him. It finally dawned on me how much she was projecting onto this little boy and I asked her about the child’s conception. It was no surprise to hear he was the product of a rape. She would not have volunteered this information though. Everything changed after that. She was able to see him, not his perp father. Anyway, it is truly an adventure.
–Carmela
T. said,
April 14, 2006 @ 3:33 am
Thank you Carmela for the very insightful twist. I’ve been trying to understand the wait and the concept that she thinks less of herself and that I would too. It fits well because as she has grown and become more confident in herself she feels better about who she is and less concerned with what other think about her. Her levels of happiness have dramatically improved in the last few months. Even when she was grounded off the computer for a failing grade she has sailed through it, being very accountable and undramatic about it.
In the last week she found she knew another survivor at school (they confided in one another) who actually gained the courage to tell the school counselor, from talking with my daughter, that she and her family were being abused by their father (Terrible physical abuse, not sexual. The rape was an outside incident).
From our conversations since last week, I can tell how relieved she is to unburdened by the secret. I however am still reeling. I find myself feeling like I’m “checking out” when the conversation turns to this with her (just twice this week). And I have to fight to maintain my presence and attention with her. All the wounded places start coming forward, like old bits of broken glass pushing out the bottoms of my feet.
Anyway, thank you.
T.
Carolyn Lehman said,
April 14, 2006 @ 5:33 pm
Dear T.
Wow. This must be hard for you. I can identify with the dissociative feelings you have when the subject comes up. I think you’re doing great.
Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person. I’m so glad that she felt ready and able to support her friend in taking action on the ongoing abuse.
Carmela Wenger said,
April 18, 2006 @ 7:28 pm
Hi T,
Thank your feedback. I really related to your metaphor about glass coming out of your feet. It speaks so vividly to the process. One of the hardest parenting experiences is tolerating your children’s pain. Their concept of time is so different from our own that what they told us last week is already ancient history. We, on the other hand, are still reeling from it. For us it just happened. Your daughter’s reaction to the opinion of others speaks volumes about the progress she has made. She has such a strong sense of herself that she is immunized against the disapproval of others. She knows who she is and what she can accomplish and what is her truth. Other people’s thoughts can be interesting. However, their opinions do not disturb her well being. I’m so glad for her. Take care, Carmela