black oak books
April 4, 2006
Wow, what a night!
At dinner, before I was to speak on Strong at the Heart at Black Oak Books in Berkeley, Akaya said, “You’re not eating very much, honey.” I wasn’t. She and Staci and Maria, who were all about to present with me, were laughing and playing around with a plastic chicken that lays bubblegum eggs. I had that cold, shocky feeling when the body says, “In thirty minutes you’re going to have a microphone in your face and you’re going to be talking to a room full of strangers about sexual abuse. I’m not sure I’m down with this.”
At the bookstore, Jeremy had transformed the main floor into a seating area by moving the center bookcases and tables to the side. The projector was set up. And there were all those empty chairs.
Then people came. My college roommate Judy, Jeanne Pimentel who planned a party for afterwards, Arturo–and I hadn’t seen him since I photographed him drumming for the book!–Tif Renee the designer of this website, Aya de Leon of Youth Speaks, and so many other people. These weren’t strangers.
I was born in Berkeley, even the people I don’t know looked familiar.
Lewis Klausner began with a thoughtful introduction, saying that child sexual abuse is not just the concern of survivors, but of everyone. That this is our human problem and one we have to talk about, understand, and solve together.
I always start off nervous, but when it comes to telling the stories and showing the pictures, I get so into them that it feels like I am being carried by a swift, sure current. I do love my work. This time I chose to speak about Jonathan and Sheena’s stories because they both complimented and contrasted with what came next.
And that was a living part of the book: Akaya and her support group. The three women talked about the thirteen years they have been meeting and how they supported each other through the healing process and on into the rich, full lives they lead today. As they talked, they lived their words. They were spontaneous, loving and funny. They radiated health. You could see the joy, and also the depth of understanding and connection that they have acheived.
The audience asked great questions and the discussion flowed over into the store afterwards. Eventually I made my way down the street to the restaurant where Jeanne had set up a party. Okay, I am not going to describe the party, but I am going to say that the people who came were an an amazing group of articulate, insightful and earnest individuals. And totally open about abuse and discussing the whatever aspects of the evening interested them, from giving voice to young survivors to exchanging personal stories to talking with Arturo and Akaya about what it was like to be in the book.
It was a sweet and savory experience, the whole evening. And I am so grateful that we could do it together. Thank you all.
Here we are after the presentation. That’s Arturo (chapter 6) on the left, me, Akaya, and then Maria and Staci. In the background you can see Nancy Rubin who wrote Ask Me If I Care: Voices of an American High School.
The photo is by Pia Torelli who is an amazing photographer. For a visual treat, check out her website with journalistic as well as events photos.
T. said,
April 4, 2006 @ 4:41 pm
Hi Carolyn,
Last night was beautiful. Today I feel like I’ve been beaten up an then ran over a few times. I had an agenda when I brought my daughter and it worked. I’ve known for some time now that she’s been trying to tell me something that happened to her aorund the 6th grade. She’s dropped clues and I’ve responded, but she could never get it out. My hope was that hearing from other survivors she would be able to talk to me. And I could see she was visibly upset after the reading. Sorry, that was a bit awkward… But it was opening for her that she needed. She was finally able to share with me that she was raped at a birthday sleep-over the summer between 6th-7th grade (she was 12 then) by her friend’s brother’s friend (17-18 year old at the time).
In the 7th grade she had changed fairly dramatically, going from social butterfly to struggling adolescent. It was hard to figure out what was going on and hoped that she would work through it. But by high school, 9th grade, she was cutting herself and had become suicidal. In her Poe-inspired poems she would leave bread crumbs. But I could never get her to speak if I asked her about the writings. Because of an investigation into her father we no longer shared custody. Living with me full time gave her space from his very destructive psycho-sexual energy. And I got her into therapy, which she did for about a year. She’s now in 11th grade and in the last two years she’s come out of the dark place and is returning to the happier spirit she was before 7th grade.
She was relieved to tell me last night. She said a weight had been lifted. And for that I am relieved too. She doesn’t want me to go into “hunt” mode as much as I want to find this guy and have him arrested. I will work with her to see the responsibility she has to making sure he doesn’t do this to anymore girls, in time… But we talked about triggers and my own healing and the importance of getting help while she’s young. She never did tell her therapist, only her close friends. I’m the first adult. She’s going to read your book and check out the resources on your site too.
I asked her why she didn’t tell me given she knows my history of being raped and abused. She told me she thought I would think less of her. Ouch! My husband reminded me that’s typical to think that. But being on the receiving side, it feels a bit harsh. It’s a good lesson though. Parents can be supportive and there for their kids, but if they fear judgement it doesn’t matter how close and supportive we are. Teens can be so sensitive to being judged.
Thank you for your courage to speak last night and thereby creating the opportunity for others to do so as well. I wish we could have come to the party!
Best,
T.
Carolyn Lehman said,
April 5, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
Dear T–
First, I want to say how sorry I am that your daughter experienced this. And what a good job I think you are doing.
It sounds like you are doing everything that a loving mother can do. You have made the opportunity for your daughter to open up, and she took it. This is a huge step. You believe her and support her. That is the single most important thing you can do. How a mother responds makes a tremendous difference in outcome. (People actually studied this.)
You know this already, but the time right after a disclosure is extremely stressful for everyone. Be very kind to yourself. Take things one step at a time. You don’t have to address everything in the next few days. Infact, keeping life as regular as possible is a big help. I agree, the perp should be dealt with in time, for the sake of other kids. But right now the most important thing is to meet your daughter’s, your family’s and your own needs.
Please don’t beat yourself up about her not telling you sooner. Sometimes keeping quiet about a traumatic experience is an attempt to control its impact. If your daughter is anything like me, she’ll want to feel she has some control, some agency in her life especially around this.
Thank you for writing. I hope that this is the beginning of healing for your daughter. I’ll be thinking of the two of you. Let me know how it goes.
Carolyn
Carolyn Lehman said,
April 8, 2006 @ 1:57 pm
Here’s an email I received in response to T.’s comment above. The therapist who sent it asked me to post it for her:
Hi Carolyn,
That is a very moving letter with some important information. It always amazes me how the developmental issues that go with adolescence make it amost impossible for teens to see their parents as parents see themselves.
When I first read that her mother had been abused I assumed the child was sparing her mother’s feelings. Instead she assumed that her mother would feel about her the way she (the girl) felt about herself.
Some people theorize that survivors blame themselves as a means of gaining some control. It’s an interesting thought, but I don’t think it’s entirely true.
People’s reactions to the book intrigue me and there is a lot to learn from them. I’m not surpised the daughter said nothing about her being raped to her therapist. Kids hint and wait for you to speak the unspeakable. Their shame keeps them silent. Once you, as the therapist, say it, then it is out of hiding. Too many mental health practitioners think they will be “pushing” if they bring it up. I don’t think that is true unless they bring it up before a relationship has been established. I recall one mother who was having a terrible time with her 3 yr old boy. She couldn’t set limits on him at all and he was a tyrant. She was overwhelmed by him. She seemed actually scared of him. It finally dawned on me how much she was projecting onto this little boy and I asked her about the child’s conception. It was no surprise to hear he was the product of a rape. She would not have volunteered this information though. Everything changed after that. She was able to see him, not his perp father. Anyway, it is truly an adventure. Love, Carmela
Patricia said,
June 6, 2006 @ 5:38 pm
I want to say that reading here brought deep tears of comprehension and relatedness in me. I was moved, i am a survivor of sexual abuse and other abuses, i was in a cult that abused me.
hearing about T. and her daughter and reading how she used such wisdom to help her daughter, i felt the tears, it was beautiful. beautiful that you helped her and i know from my own experience that it will go a lifetime in her for gratitude to you.
if only i had been given the gift of someone who knew and understood that self destructive darkness from way back when.
thankyou
Patricia
http://roloffsurvivorssupport.bravehost.com/
April_optimist said,
June 22, 2006 @ 2:06 pm
I love that you write with such power that one feels what you felt as you were getting ready to speak. And I’m glad that you speak out. Each of us, as we share our stories and our paths to thriving in spite of abuse, create a path for others to follow to find their own strength, their own answers, their own victory over the abuse.
Peter said,
July 1, 2006 @ 6:45 pm
I am here to say hello and you have a great site!