thankyou

Patricia

http://roloffsurvivorssupport.bravehost.com/

Hi Carolyn,
That is a very moving letter with some important information. It always amazes me how the developmental issues that go with adolescence make it amost impossible for teens to see their parents as parents see themselves.

When I first read that her mother had been abused I assumed the child was sparing her mother’s feelings. Instead she assumed that her mother would feel about her the way she (the girl) felt about herself.

Some people theorize that survivors blame themselves as a means of gaining some control. It’s an interesting thought, but I don’t think it’s entirely true.

People’s reactions to the book intrigue me and there is a lot to learn from them. I’m not surpised the daughter said nothing about her being raped to her therapist. Kids hint and wait for you to speak the unspeakable. Their shame keeps them silent. Once you, as the therapist, say it, then it is out of hiding. Too many mental health practitioners think they will be “pushing” if they bring it up. I don’t think that is true unless they bring it up before a relationship has been established. I recall one mother who was having a terrible time with her 3 yr old boy. She couldn’t set limits on him at all and he was a tyrant. She was overwhelmed by him. She seemed actually scared of him. It finally dawned on me how much she was projecting onto this little boy and I asked her about the child’s conception. It was no surprise to hear he was the product of a rape. She would not have volunteered this information though. Everything changed after that. She was able to see him, not his perp father. Anyway, it is truly an adventure. Love, Carmela

First, I want to say how sorry I am that your daughter experienced this. And what a good job I think you are doing.

It sounds like you are doing everything that a loving mother can do. You have made the opportunity for your daughter to open up, and she took it. This is a huge step. You believe her and support her. That is the single most important thing you can do. How a mother responds makes a tremendous difference in outcome. (People actually studied this.)

You know this already, but the time right after a disclosure is extremely stressful for everyone. Be very kind to yourself. Take things one step at a time. You don’t have to address everything in the next few days. Infact, keeping life as regular as possible is a big help. I agree, the perp should be dealt with in time, for the sake of other kids. But right now the most important thing is to meet your daughter’s, your family’s and your own needs.

Please don’t beat yourself up about her not telling you sooner. Sometimes keeping quiet about a traumatic experience is an attempt to control its impact. If your daughter is anything like me, she’ll want to feel she has some control, some agency in her life especially around this.

Thank you for writing. I hope that this is the beginning of healing for your daughter. I’ll be thinking of the two of you. Let me know how it goes.

Carolyn

Last night was beautiful. Today I feel like I’ve been beaten up an then ran over a few times. I had an agenda when I brought my daughter and it worked. I’ve known for some time now that she’s been trying to tell me something that happened to her aorund the 6th grade. She’s dropped clues and I’ve responded, but she could never get it out. My hope was that hearing from other survivors she would be able to talk to me. And I could see she was visibly upset after the reading. Sorry, that was a bit awkward… But it was opening for her that she needed. She was finally able to share with me that she was raped at a birthday sleep-over the summer between 6th-7th grade (she was 12 then) by her friend’s brother’s friend (17-18 year old at the time).

In the 7th grade she had changed fairly dramatically, going from social butterfly to struggling adolescent. It was hard to figure out what was going on and hoped that she would work through it. But by high school, 9th grade, she was cutting herself and had become suicidal. In her Poe-inspired poems she would leave bread crumbs. But I could never get her to speak if I asked her about the writings. Because of an investigation into her father we no longer shared custody. Living with me full time gave her space from his very destructive psycho-sexual energy. And I got her into therapy, which she did for about a year. She’s now in 11th grade and in the last two years she’s come out of the dark place and is returning to the happier spirit she was before 7th grade.

She was relieved to tell me last night. She said a weight had been lifted. And for that I am relieved too. She doesn’t want me to go into “hunt” mode as much as I want to find this guy and have him arrested. I will work with her to see the responsibility she has to making sure he doesn’t do this to anymore girls, in time… But we talked about triggers and my own healing and the importance of getting help while she’s young. She never did tell her therapist, only her close friends. I’m the first adult. She’s going to read your book and check out the resources on your site too.

I asked her why she didn’t tell me given she knows my history of being raped and abused. She told me she thought I would think less of her. Ouch! My husband reminded me that’s typical to think that. But being on the receiving side, it feels a bit harsh. It’s a good lesson though. Parents can be supportive and there for their kids, but if they fear judgement it doesn’t matter how close and supportive we are. Teens can be so sensitive to being judged.

Thank you for your courage to speak last night and thereby creating the opportunity for others to do so as well. I wish we could have come to the party!

Best,
T.